Eh, it’s not one specific thing that triggered it. I was left alone too long, and realized I was failing. So I made some very dark and cynical conclusions that didn’t help my growth at all. Basically, I believed I was inferior to other people, and that the only way I can achieve anything is to throw away my life, and focus on success instead, which backfired (trying to suppress all emotions just made me unmotivated and miserable, which was made worse by ADHD). Took quite the long time to realize something.
Nowadays, I’m trying to establish a balance to compartmentalize my time, expectations, and experiences. I want to keep a routine and discipline, so that when it’s time to say, draw something, I will only do that, and care about nothing else. Only care about work during work, only be available to friends at a certain time, and work on myself with a cool head.
The idea is to be completely detached from the outcome. I don’t care if I fail or succeed, since trying too hard also backfired in the past. Worrying too much about a problem just caused extreme anxiety and brain fog.
Instead, it is important to just go through routine and try, try to have some semblance of a meaningful life, with no expectations.
So far, I can’t really even do that, I have a lot of disfunction to make up for, somehow. I tend to forget what I’m supposed to do for entire hours…
It takes forever, as it is always an ongoing process that keeps healing. It will get better for us though.